Friday, April 29th, 2022
This morning there's quite a breeze blowing, but it's such a gorgeous breeze. It's refreshing and a little cool and very invigorating. Today I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to the new song that I'm going to be working on soon for my YouTube channel. The song’s title used to be, “Sorrow’s Serenade” from my CD. But I'm changing it to, “Oh How I Love you.” And it's going to reflect Psalm 139. In two ways. The first is just a beautiful background music to read someone the psalm to – out loud or silently. And then the second is going to be words of how much God loves us but it's going to be written as if it were him speaking those words to us. And it won't really be words you sing. I think it will be more like a spoken word accompaniment to the song. I'm walking around and listening to this song over and over thinking about this powerful concept and scripture of how much God loves us. And how beautiful it's depicted. I'm very excited about this and can't wait to get working on it.
What a beautiful morning this is. It's cool and fresh but also warm and sunny. There are few geese honking their heads off. But mostly it's very quiet. And still. I'm standing in front of the Connie tree. And God is speaking to me. It is tall and magnificent and fully mature. But wow, I do not see myself this way. I see myself as so unfinished so unaccomplished. So many things I've done, but I'm not there yet. I haven't done all that I should have, needed to, wanted to do. I'm a immature, unfinished, less-than person.
But that's not how God sees me. He sees me fully myself, fully developed. But then, I got to thinking about every tree I've ever seen. Some seem small and maybe not all the way to maturity. But they are all fully trees. And they are fully acceptable just the way they are. From a great big beautiful gorgeous tree like the one I'm looking at right now down to the tiniest little sprig. In fact, when there is a seed of a tree in the ground and hasn't even sprouted yet and all you can see is dirt, well that's perfectly acceptable too. God has built me, He's built all of us from the most hidden part of us to the most fully realized things. He's built us and we're growing. And we're good just the way we are even though, everything's not perfect. Like this tree has a lot of branches that need to be trimmed. But it's okay. It is okay. God's not about making us perfect.
And I love to look at the branches up high in the tree, I love how they reach straight up to heaven, to God, to the sun, to life. Oh, they fill my heart with joy. I know that's me. There are branches that go off to the side. That must be when I’m playing that 2048 games for way, way too long. Or I’m fixated on YouTube videos of people popping pimples. But wow, look at my branches go right up, straight up - reaching, reaching, reaching to the Lord. Oh God help me to see that in myself. Help me to let that be who I am - reaching to you. Aware that that's who I am. Wanting that to be who I am. Loving that about myself. Yes yes! Because you love that about me. You love that about me!
I'm walking along here at the lake, and the sun is bright and sparkling on the water. Even though it's chilly, the sun is warm. And I'm noticing this phenomenon we can see all the time but probably don’t really stop and look at. This morning, as I walk along the shoreline, the sparkly reflection of the sun walks with me. It moves right along with me. I know there is a simple scientific explanation to this. But I love that the Lord created this marvel. No matter how far I walk right, the sun will be walking with me. Is that the coolest thing ever that the sun is walking with me? Every day, I see this more and more, how God reveals himself, his truths, his love, his goodness in his creation.
Wednesday March 30, 2022
This morning I had a tremendous revelation from the Lord about the lack of supportive parenting in my life. For a long time now, it has been dogging me. And I’ve felt like I just can't do the life I want to do with such a gaping hole in the fabric of my being. And, actually, that might have some truth to it. But what the Lord showed me this morning is that this awful gaping hole, this destroyed foundation, this lack of a parent who showed any interest to help or support who I am is the story of most of the people with complex-PTSD*. Yes, I am just like them. I have what they have. They are my tribe. This thing that I think so disqualifies me actually qualifies me. This is my Carly story.**
March 28th, 2022 Me and the Inner Critic, going at it – again.
(Shortly after Christmas 2021, I became very sick with covid. My recovery took most of January. Then, early in February, I got covid again! I didn’t think this was possible but my doctor assured me it was quite possible, though uncommon. Most of February and March were spent in a very slow recovery. It took all my energy just to make it through the day. But by the end of March, I was able to get started on my Stillness Strolls again.)