September

I am feeling the Lord calling me to “stillness.” It is in my heart and mind over and over. It is echoing through my being. This morning, I had a moment of understanding that God is calling me to stillness on an emotional, physical and mental level. Even in motion, I can be in stillness, because it is all about focus. Focus! What am I focusing on? What is in my heart and mind? While I am feeding the cats and making the bed, what is my mind and soul focused on? I can be focused on all the things my mind stirs up. Or I can focus on the Lord. But it’s more than focusing on the Lord – it’s being with him! Oh yes, it’s being with him. Stillness makes space in us for him. Yes! When we are rushing around, there is no space for him. There is no space for us. In stillness we encounter the Lord, but we also encounter ourselves. Often, we need stillness externally to get to stillness internally. 

God is calling me to stillness so that I can know Him. He is calling me to himself. Me! Wow… so amazing. He is calling me deeper into his love. And not just in a general way that we know it is God’s will for all of us. No, he is calling ME. I heard his voice calling me. 

He keeps reminding me of the verse, 1John 2:15. “Do not love the world or the things in the world.” The love of the world and the things of the world can completely side-track me. I can literally go a completely different direction than towards and into God. And this is Satan’s big trick to lure me away from going toward God. 
 
I think the world and the love of the world has always been a big problem for the child of God. But it is just gotten bigger and bigger with SO many things to entertain, delight and promise to satisfy us. And then, there’s how deeply unhappy and empty people are these days. The lures of the world are so irresistible. 
 
I John 2 goes on to describe the things of the world in more detail:
- The lust of the eyes
- The lust of the flesh
- The pride of life. 

The big question for me is, what is are the things of this world that I need to “love not.” In other words, what things of the world am I loving in a way that is choking out God, that is getting my off-track and derailed. I believe these are the things that are keeping me from stillness with him.  

In the last year, I have come to experience that nature, the creation is where there is presence of God and the reflection of his character exhibited a million different ways. My heart is learning to see and hear him in nature. And feel him. I often hear his voice speaking directly to me. He tells me all kinds of very beautiful things. I know I need this so much, to be with the Lord in his creation. But I live an hour away from the mountains. I have felt some frustration over how to make stillness work on a practical level. 

And then, my coach Carrie gave a GREAT idea. She suggested that I look for a park or open space that would provide a sense of being in nature with God. Yes! I know that will work. Denver metro area has those kind of places everywhere. I feel this door is now open!

October

Then this morning, two things happened. Wow, I didn’t realize it was two things!

The first was when I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to look up beautiful places that I can nurture stillness in. I found three places I can get to in less than 15 minutes and another one that is 20 minutes. This filled me with so much joy. Then came the wonderful idea that I need to START my week doing this every Monday morning. Yes, that rang through me in such a wonderful way. Start with stillness!

The second thing just happened a few minutes ago. I have low energy today and have been doing a lot of sitting. I’m trying to listen to my body more. It felt so good to just sit and be quiet. That’s when I realized I have a genuine need for stillness. I NEED it! But all my life, I have denied that so I can be racing around like everyone else.

October

Today I drove to the Rec center not too far away from our house. Only about 10 minutes. And here is a little lake! With a lovely sidewalk path around it. And it is so quiet here. Even though, it is in the middle of the city. There are big trees all around. The lake, ha! Lake! It is barely a pond. But it is shaped with all these extended parts so the walkway winds around quite a bit. You can only see so much at a time. This gives it even a strong feeling of privacy. Oh, there is so much peace here! There is an elementary school not too far away and I can hear the kids’ happy sounds when they are at recess.

From a certain angle, I can see all kinds of reflections in the water. It is a reflection of all kinds of things, depending on your position. Some of the reflections are so crystal clear, it is no doubt exactly what you are looking at. That made me wonder about what I am reflecting on.

October

Wow! Today an amazing thing happened. Everything is so beautiful here with the leaves all in full autumn glory. It is a feast for the eyes. I have so loved coming to this peaceful little lake.

As I was walking past several trees next to the path, the Lord asked me to stop and step into the branches of leaves. I snuggled into the leaves until they almost completely surrounded me. They were all bright yellow, large and soft and so fragrant. It was a special moment.

But then the Lord said to me, “Look around. Look at the tree in front of you. This is my kingdom of love.”

In front of me stood a magnificent tree, so elegant and gorgeous. This tree is the Kingdom of his love? I sense so deeply that he is telling me something so profound! That rocked me! This is the kingdom of his love? What does that even mean? I think I might sort of understand a little. But I get the feeling that there is SO much more to discover and…and enter into.

Here are a couple of thoughts I’m seeing already:
- The kingdom of God’s love is going to be everywhere that God is, right? It must be. It really can’t be any other way. He is the creator and eternal source of love. And he is the King! And so, it follows that because God is everywhere, his kingdom of love is everywhere! Wow!!! That is incredible and beautiful and my heart is wrench with the wonder of it! So, yes it’s in this peaceful place. But it’s everywhere else as well. That thought is SO BIG that I think I could write a book about the fullness of its meaning.
- A second thought came to me right after that first one. And that is that the kingdom of God’s love exists near, next to, around, inside, throughout the kingdom of darkness. And I stand at the doorway between the two kingdoms. I can choose. I can step into love, light, joy, goodness and peace or turn to the kingdom of darkness, shame, emptiness and worthlessness.

November

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Today was really chilly and overcast. The water looked great, but I could barely see any ducks. I am so enjoying all the birds around here. Especially the Canadian geese. They are like the teenagers of the bird world.
- They hang out in groups
- They like to make a lot of noise
- They are constantly looking for a better place to hang out
- They love to honk at other geese flying overhead and get them to come down and join them in making even more noise.

But the Lord spoke to me about music. He told me that the kingdom of love is full of music. And actually, that music is love and love is music.

I told him that I wanted to learn how to hear his music. And he answered that it's around me everywhere. It's one of his great gifts he's given to us from heaven - from him. And he gives it to people who are never once going to use it for him. But he still gives this incredible gift.

And then I realized that I had been one of those people. I have this great gift of music and yet my whole life I have used it for myself. Now I didn't use it to speak evil or promote violence or out and out sin. But still I was still using it for myself.

When I come out here to my little lake, I start feeling my mind sorting itself out. I need that. I need to get sorted. I can't sort my mind out at home. There are too many incumbrancers there. Wow, that makes me think of Hebrews 12:1, Let us remove the incumbrancers and run the race. I so want to run the race. But I have all these incumbrancers.

November

As I was walking, I came upon this little mound, about 20 feet by 20 feet. It had a covered picnic table area. It was very small. But the mound was completely burned. All the grasses and shrubbery were black and gone. I felt the Lord really wanted me to look at this and see this. Just then some park people came by and explained to me how they thought some kids had burned it and even though it looked bad, the root system was still there. And the organisms in the soil were still there. And now they had a chance to play on some other things that they wanted to. I told them I was going to write a song about this burnt-out place and use some of the ideas they shared with me.

But as I walked away, I heard the Lord say to me that he wanted me to write about the burned-up places in my life. Oh I love to write the beauty of God, his majesty, his redemption, but not so much about the darkness of my own life. But I do have a lot I can write about when looking at the darkness my own life.

So once again it was a beautiful time being with the Lord. Turning my face up to look at him, as all nature does. And knowing, that he has his face turned towards me and is looking directly into my face. Yes it was beautiful!

November

I'm looking at all the trees around me. They are quickly shedding their leaves some have completely lost all their leaves. But God is reminding me that I am still in the kingdom of love. And that's when I realized the kingdom of love is not a static place it's not an idyllic garden with perfect trees and flowers where nothing ever changes. The kingdom of love is in constant change, growth, renewal, and adjustment. And even healing!

As I look at the trees that have shed their leaves I see how much their true shape is revealed, their basic structural identity. And it's made me think of myself. How my whole life my basic identity was so twisted and broken. But I tried so hard to look like all the other trees! I tried to add branches that look like they went straight up to heaven. And I paste on beautiful green leaves that look like they came from the healthiest organism, even though they were completely fake. But God stripped me. Stripped me of all of that and he has been healing my basic identity. So, I'm not twisted. I'm not broken. But I look like these trees instead. Now, I grow straight up tall to the sun, to him! For real.

And now, oh the glorious now! Now I can grow up tall and straight. I can produce beautiful green leaves. And fruit! Before, I was so broken smashed down to the ground and there were so many many many bitter roots, I think I was only able to produce bitter fruit. I don't know. Time will tell. Eternity will tell. But now I can produce real fruit. Now, I know how to walk in the Spirit. Or I'm learning to walk in the Spirit. Or really, I'm at the beginning of learning to walk in the Spirit and that's where real fruit comes from. The real fruit - the fruit of the spirit.

I'm looking at this huge tree, actually it appears to be a cluster of trees but it's all growing together nice and tight so it looks like one tree. And this massive giant branches the reach high, high, high into the sky. And it is so beautiful! When I looked at it I thought, oh this tree is like Carrie my coach. Strong and big, beautiful, growing huge up to the Lord. And then I thought if myself how I've always believed that I had to be small. So the big giant growth, that the Lord had for me, I have probably most likely always squelched. And the branches I've tried to paste in myself, were probably little branches. But they were as big as I could think and I can see. But they weren't his growth, his magnificent growth that he planned for me no. They are only what I planned for myself. Oh my gosh this is just so big and important. And those fake branches I put on myself they were insubstantial. They had no life running through them. Oh my gosh I get it, they had no life! Like the vine and the branches that Jesus spoke about. They could not produce leaves and certainly not fruit! Only the vine can do that. Wow! This is huge. No wonder I experienced so much failure. I was separate from the vine. Oh I was a born-again Christian but I was not living in the vine. I was living in my brokenness. I was living in the false strength of my own human will and intellect. I was quenching the Spirit.

November

Today (Friday), the sun is shining beautifully there's a soft little breeze. The little lake is filled with honking geese coming and going. It's so much fun to watch.

But I'm finding myself so distracted! I want to be at peace and draw close to the Lord but my thoughts keep running off hither and yon. Normally, I want to condemn myself in this moment. But I know I don't have to! The Lord is telling me that. He is right here with me, loving me, enjoying me. And he knows who I am. He knows everything about me he knows whether I can focus or not, lol. I love that. I love him!

I was thinking about the Holy Spirit a moment or two ago, and God reminded me that the Holy Spirit wants to teach us all things. I think there's more to that verse more than just all things but all things pertaining to godliness. I need to look this verse up. But this touches me deeply!!! I know the Holy Spirit teach me everything I need to know about God, about myself, for the future, my ministry. All of that. Oh this is why God calls us to draw dear to him. Oh he gives us all the time and so many ways. But the best when we draw near. Oh Lord help me show me guide me. How do I draw near?

Now that is a really good question. The first thought that comes to me is that to draw near to something, you must draw away from something else. But I bet there are other steps too.

November

Wow! What an incredibly beautiful day today it is. It is warm and sunny and quiet and peaceful. Except for the Canadian geese who are honking up a storm, lol!

As I was walking, I was thanking the Lord for everything I could think of his presence is love is goodness is companionship and on and on. And I thought about this beautiful place that I meet walking with him. And that brought to mind, He brought to mind the verse in Genesis that says in the cool of the evening God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden. And I have this incredible overwhelming beautiful understanding that God was walking with me in the garden and that's what he wants for all of us! He wants us to walk with him in the garden. Just to be together. Just to feel his love. Just to be in companionship and relationship and loving togetherness with him. Oh I know this in my brain but more and more God is helping me to experience it in my heart and my soul. Oh thank you father! Thank you thank you thank you! Never, I beg you never let me forget this! Never let me wonder away from this. Draw me back to you, to walking with you, to walking in the garden with you.

November

This morning is the day after my concert at Charlene's house yesterday. And I am walking in the cold sunshine and praising the Lord and thanking him and worshiping him. I am filled with the joy of his goodness and his choice of me. His holy Spirit uplifted me yesterday. I'm sure his angels attended me. The day went so amazing and well and beautiful. Connections were made, seeds were planted and many many other good things I'm sure.

This morning I read in Psalm 81:10, “I am the Lord your God who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.” This verse has gone deep deep into my heart. Both lines, I am the Lord your God. He is my God He's just not the God. The God out there of the universe. No, he is my God. But the second line. Wow, that has grabbed me hard! Open wide your mouth. Believe me trust in me, hope in me, and I will fill it. Oh God wants that from me. He wants me to commit fully trust him deeply. He wants to fill everything that needs filling in me. And everything that wants filling in me. Wow, that is hard to fully grasp. So I'm walking along my stillness path here and I have my mouth open as wide as I can. And I'm praying, “Lord feel it fill my mouth fill it! Fill it with music and song! Fill it with your words of goodness and love! Filll it with peace fill it with truth fill it with everything you want. And I am singing the worship song from yesterday especially that and sentence, yes you are my God. Yes you are, yes you are, yes you are my God

November

Today, I am walking through my little park and singing a new song. The words of this song start like this, “there is a garden of your glory where a river flows with your love. There are flowers of your kindness where a breeze blows with your peace.” This is a song about the kingdom of God the kingdom of love. I've been thinking a lot about the kingdom of love. I feel it God wants me to see it and feel it and know it and believe it. And speak it. The kingdom of love is everywhere God is so it's everywhere. We experience it most profoundly deeply in nature. God created all of nature to reflect him in so many ways. His goodness is love his peace his power. And many other ways. We enter his kingdom and worship. But there's also a kingdom of darkness. And that kingdom is filled with chaos, sadness, anger, deceit, lying, sickness, frustration, brokenness and on and on. But the Lord uses all of that he uses all of that created by the kingdom of darkness, he uses all of that to gently lovingly draws into the kingdom of love his kingdom. He's drawing every one of us everyday every minute. He's drawing me everyday every minute. He has so much good for us. So much love. If we can just let ourselves trust him and be drawn into the kingdom of love the kingdom of God.

Wow!!! I just had the most amazing thought! From the Lord of course! I'm walking along the path here and I can see all the branches on the trees, they're bare now. And I can see how some of the branches turn down. And I've read that whenever a branch turns down rather than up it needs to be pruned. That's one of the signs of the needing to be pruned even if it's producing leaves it needs to be pruned. Well while I'm looking at this. I'm thinking about how nature is this beautiful environment where the kingdom of love is expressed so fully but as I'm looking at these trees that are growing right here free and wild I'm thinking wow they think he pruned. And that's when I thought about how at the very beginning of everything in the book of Genesis, one of the very first things that God does with Adam is he makes him a caretaker of the garden. Wow and we all think about that that meant taking care of the actual trees and bushes and whatever. But it means more it means more goddess invited us He's invited me, to be a caretaker in his garden of love. Wow....

November

I am on my stillness walk and it's a beautiful afternoon. It is so quiet and calm. And empty. I only see a person or two here and there. I've been walking around looking at all the trees. And thinking about their form. Completely devoid of leaves. You can see what they really look like without the leaves. All those leaves are so beautiful and they fluff out the tree so wonderfully. It hides the shape of the tree. But when fall comes and then winter and the coldness turn the trees towards their winter state, the leaves are all gone and so you can see the true form of the tree. Wow! You can see where trees are misshapen You can see where the branches are mess a chaotic mess. You can see where the trees need to be trimmed where they need to be pruned where a group of trees need to be thinned out. Wow.

And this is in the garden of love and the kingdom of love. We live I live in the kingdom of love I am a tree in the kingdom of love. In fact God showed me that great big giant tree where he said look at this tree this is the kingdom of love. Today he said this tree is you. Oh is so beautiful and tall even shorn of its leaves. But down at the bottom there's just like this mess branches. And I I think how much I look at that mess of branches and I say oh what a mess I am instead of standing back and looking at the tree and how beautiful it is That's me the whole thing - not just that mess of branches. He wants to prune away those twisted messy dead curving down branches. So my tree can even grow stronger bigger taller more powerful and my branches all of them can reach up even higher and higher to God. That's why he allows us to see the true shape of our self through hardship and suffering. So we'll let him prune us.

Oh thank you father Thank you thank you father Thank you for showing this to me. All may I always be willing to be pruned.

November

Today when I got in the car I sensed the Lord saying drive east. I know that sometimes I hear a message and it's not really God's message. I'm not sure what it is my own brain a movie I saw, a book I read. So I really prayed about this over and over and I heard over and over drive east. So I drove east on 62nd Wait no 64th towards the convention center. When I got to the convention center, the Lord said, turn in here, and drive around the back. And then I realized to drive around the back I really need to go back up that little road in back of the convention center. And I seem to sense him say to me yes go there instead That's where I want you to go. So I drove around the back and I thought well maybe he wants me to see something in the mountains. And as I drove along the little road I saw there was a little hill along the side. And I thought this is perfect. I can climb to the top of this little hill and see everything which I did. And I felt deeply as I looked over the city and the mountains and the land and the clouds in the sky, I felt deeply the desire to pray over the city and the thousands of people that were represented by the buildings right in front of me houses hotels apartments condos the convention center behind me and even the airport just a little ways away. And as I prayed I asked for God's glory and his kingdom and his light in his love to come down to fill to make this a hope flooded place. So that he can reach the crushed souls in recycle their pain in woundedness Yes. Yes yes yes. And then I said Lord sent me I'm here I'm ready Make me a part of this. I give myself to you in this. And then I sang my Abba Father song. But with new words instead of the words about me being a songbird, I said I am your messenger I am your ambassador I am your emissary sharing your sweet and beautiful words. And then I sang the fear song because I will tell you there is some fear accompanying my prayer. But I am not going to listen to it! I am not going to respond to it I'm going to step boldly wherever God has me step! Yes and Amen!

December

Last week, I had some tension and stress with my dear husband. They resulted in me taking a tremendous emotional tumble into darkness. I struggled mightily with the temptation to quit everything music singing, writing, coaching, Airbnb and anything associated with all of that. But God restored me, thank you Lord! And I am back walking hand in hand with him. Today was my first day in a week taking my stillness walk with the Lord. It was wonderful to be back here with him. I'm writing a new song called The Kingdom of Love. As we were walking and I was singing this line, “come in the door,” he said, “YOU come in the door!” And it's true. I need to come to the kingdom of God. I need to step into his beautiful golden existence. Just as much as anybody else, I need this.

December

This morning I am exhausted and stressed. And I am here in my stillness walk, all focused on stress distress. But I'm thinking about the kingdom of God because I'm looking at the beautiful majestic Connie tree. And I hear the Lord saying to me, “I'm right here My kingdom of love is right here. All you have to do is step into it it's this one step the doors right. Here come in the door.”

December

There are a number of sad things going on in my life right now, relationships with my kid, stress over Christmas and other things. My heart has been heavy. December seems to always be a difficult month for me. But when I came here today, I could feel the presence of the Lord all around me so beautifully. I sang to him for a long time. And he had some beautiful things to say to me.

First, he called me his shiny one. Or maybe it was shining one or maybe both! Yes, that is who I am the shiny one, the shining one. Thank you Lord.

Secondly, as we walked along I felt the Lord say to me that he wanted to anoint me. Okay I am all for that! Ever since I read and studied Psalm 23 I have a deep love and appreciation of anointing. He asked me to kneel. So I did right in the little dirt path. I felt him poor the oil on my head actually even rub it into my head and then he said this is the oil the anointing of health. Of beauty. Of strength. Of peace. Of goodness. Wow! As I walked along with him later he said to me I have anointed you with myself. Double wow.

As we continue walking together I just felt like he wanted to hold my hand. So I reached out my hand and I could feel his hand in my hand How warm and good and all filled with power. So I sang my Abba Father song to him directly to him.

And he reminded me of who I am. I am his beloved beautiful daughter. And he has crowned me with glory and honor Oh so beautiful

As we were walking I was looking at the trees all these big trees with no leaves. And one of them has a big nest up in the branches. And all at once I realized I am a big tree and I have space and room and strength and love for a nest. I don't even know what that means I just know it's true.

Finally at one point in our walk, the Lord stopped me and he gave me the picture of Jesus holding Mary in their first encounter from the Chosen. And that he wanted to hold me like that. So I stepped into his embrace. I felt his arms of love and circle me. And pull me into him closer and closer. It was incredible.

Oh thank you father Thank you my abba father My father thank you Thank you Thank you Thank you. Bless you. I love you. Thank you 

March 28th, 2022    Me and the Inner Critic, going at it – again. 

(Shortly after Christmas 2021, I became very sick with covid. My recovery took most of January. Then, early in February, I got covid again! I didn’t think this was possible but my doctor assured me it was quite possible, though uncommon. Most of February and  March were spent in a very slow recovery. It took all my energy just to make it through the day. But by the end of March, I was able to get started on my Stillness Strolls again.)

Wednesday March 30, 2022

This morning I had a tremendous revelation from the Lord about the lack of supportive parenting in my life. For a long time now, it has been dogging me. And I’ve felt like I just can't do the life I want to do with such a gaping hole in the fabric of my being. And, actually, that might have some truth to it. But what the Lord showed me this morning is that this awful gaping hole, this destroyed foundation, this lack of a parent who showed any interest to help or support who I am is the story of most of the people with complex-PTSD*. Yes, I am just like them. I have what they have. They are my tribe. This thing that I think so disqualifies me actually qualifies me. This is my Carly story.**

I'm walking along here at the lake, and the sun is bright and sparkling on the water. Even though it's chilly, the sun is warm. And I'm noticing this phenomenon we can see all the time but probably don’t really stop and look at. This morning, as I walk along the shoreline, the sparkly reflection of the sun walks with me. It moves right along with me. I know there is a simple scientific explanation to this. But I love that the Lord created this marvel. No matter how far I walk right, the sun will be walking with me. Is that the coolest thing ever that the sun is walking with me? Every day, I see this more and more, how God reveals himself, his truths, his love, his goodness in his creation. 

What a beautiful morning this is. It's cool and fresh but also warm and sunny. There are few geese honking their heads off. But mostly it's very quiet. And still. I'm standing in front of the Connie tree. And God is speaking to me. It is tall and magnificent and fully mature. But wow, I do not see myself this way. I see myself as so unfinished so unaccomplished. So many things I've done, but I'm not there yet. I haven't done all that I should have, needed to, wanted to do. I'm a immature, unfinished, less-than person. 

But that's not how God sees me. He sees me fully myself, fully developed. But then, I got to thinking about every tree I've ever seen. Some seem small and maybe not all the way to maturity. But they are all fully trees. And they are fully acceptable just the way they are. From a great big beautiful gorgeous tree like the one I'm looking at right now down to the tiniest little sprig. In fact, when there is a seed of a tree in the ground and hasn't even sprouted yet and all you can see is dirt, well that's perfectly acceptable too. God has built me, He's built all of us from the most hidden part of us to the most fully realized things. He's built us and we're growing. And we're good just the way we are even though, everything's not perfect. Like this tree has a lot of branches that need to be trimmed. But it's okay. It is okay. God's not about making us perfect.

And I love to look at the branches up high in the tree, I love how they reach straight up to heaven, to God, to the sun, to life. Oh, they fill my heart with joy. I know that's me. There are branches that go off to the side. That must be when I’m playing that 2048 games for way, way too long. Or I’m fixated on YouTube videos of people popping pimples. But wow, look at my branches go right up, straight up - reaching, reaching, reaching to the Lord. Oh God help me to see that in myself. Help me to let that be who I am - reaching to you. Aware that that's who I am. Wanting that to be who I am. Loving that about myself. Yes yes! Because you love that about me. You love that about me! 

Friday, April 29th, 2022

This morning there's quite a breeze blowing, but it's such a gorgeous breeze. It's refreshing and a little cool and very invigorating. Today I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to the new song that I'm going to be working on soon for my YouTube channel. The song’s title used to be, “Sorrow’s Serenade” from my CD. But I'm changing it to, “Oh How I Love you.” And it's going to reflect Psalm 139. In two ways. The first is just a beautiful background music to read someone the psalm to – out loud or silently. And then the second is going to be words of how much God loves us but it's going to be written as if it were him speaking those words to us. And it won't really be words you sing. I think it will be more like a spoken word accompaniment to the song. I'm walking around and listening to this song over and over thinking about this powerful concept and scripture of how much God loves us. And how beautiful it's depicted. I'm very excited about this and can't wait to get working on it.