Friday, April 29th, 2022
This morning there's quite a breeze blowing, but it's such a gorgeous breeze. It's refreshing and a little cool and very invigorating. Today I'm wearing my earbuds and listening to the new song that I'm going to be working on soon for my YouTube channel. The song’s title used to be, “Sorrow’s Serenade” from my CD. But I'm changing it to, “Oh How I Love you.” And it's going to reflect Psalm 139. In two ways. The first is just a beautiful background music to read someone the psalm to – out loud or silently. And then the second is going to be words of how much God loves us but it's going to be written as if it were him speaking those words to us. And it won't really be words you sing. I think it will be more like a spoken word accompaniment to the song. I'm walking around and listening to this song over and over thinking about this powerful concept and scripture of how much God loves us. And how beautiful it's depicted. I'm very excited about this and can't wait to get working on it.
With the wind blowing so much, but the sun shining, there's a lot of sparkles in the water today. And I'm reflecting on what I wrote on another day that the sparkles are created by a disturbance in the water. Without the disturbance you're not going to have any sparkles. So interesting. We all want to live such disturbance free lives. Especially I do.
At one point, as I was walking, I felt the Lord say to me so strongly, “Connie, you are not alone in dealing with your childhood trauma. I am with you I am so with you! I will help you with this.” It's so true! He has always been with me and helping me with it. I'm not alone. And as I'm thinking this thought and walking along, I’ve come to my beautiful magnificent Connie tree. I can see that it is budding all over. And pretty soon there will be new baby leaves that will grow into gorgeous magnificence and the tree will be in its full glory for weeks and months. And then it will even be greater glory when fall comes. I just can't wait to see all that. But as I'm looking at it I'm thinking about how my tree appears to be isolated from other tree in this area, but it’s not alone. It is surrounded by all kinds of things, starting with other trees. There are lots of other trees close by, many small ones are near the reach of its branches. Then, there are big ones like it, that are not that far away. But then there's grasses and bushes and other plants growing all around it. And of course, animals: birds, rodents and probably small mammals are around it constantly. There's the lake, tiny pond. My tree sits right on the edge of the lake. And it drinks from the lake. The lake is its source. And, of course, then there's the big animals that surround it - people. As humans we are here and it's number of capacities interacting with this tree. For instance, I pay taxes to the government which uses some of those taxes to pay for the park services which maintain this area. Including the Connie tree. The Connie tree is a part of a massive ecosystem. I too am a part of a massive ecosystem. This sense that I'm alone in the world, that's just a big lie. Wow! Right! It's a lie I have believed my whole life. But I'm not alone at all. I really want journal this.
Walking back to my car, and the wind is really blowing now pretty hard. So, I want to stop and look at the water a moment because there's probably a lot of sparkling going on. I'm standing on the sidewalk pathway and probably 15 ft above the water. And I found this spot that is just sparkling like crazy. I feel this sense from the Lord that I need to stop right here and watch this and absorb it. I feel like there's something here for me to get. Wow, these sparkles are like diamonds sparkling away. And because the wind is blowing hard there's some bigger movement of the water which is creating bigger sparkles. I'm seeing these flashes of light that are like 5, 10 maybe even 15 karat diamonds. But every now and then a breeze will stir up the water and all these big diamonds are now intermingled with a bunch of tiny diamonds like half carat carrot size. It's really beautiful. I wonder what the Lord wants to say to me. Oh, oh yes! He just said, “This is my gift to you.” Oh thank you, it is so beautiful. I love it. Oh wait! Oh my gosh! I see it!!!
All my life, since it was a tiny, little girl, I have loved diamonds with all my heart. I don’t really understand it, but from my earliest recollection, I have loved diamonds! And all my life, I have deeply desired for anyone – but especially the man in my life man – to give me diamonds. That would mean that he loves me so much; he understands me, accepts me and honors me so much that he wants to give me the thing that I love most. But the Lord is doing that for me right here. He is giving this to me right now. These water diamonds are him loving me, honoring me! Oh, this is glorious! And as I'm watching these sparkles, they're just extravagant! It's like the Lord is putting on a special show just for me. Oh, thank you! I love you so much Thank you. Wow, I just want to stand here and watch and watch and watch. It's hard to turn away. And I'm thinking about this beautiful love gift that's here every day. And yet today is the first day I’ve really seen it. This is God's special love gift to me and it's been here waiting for me since this lake was made! And that's how all of nature is, all of creation. It's all a love gift from the Abba Father. That's why it's so magnificent and beautiful. And it heals us and delights us and we find peace and goodness in creation. Because it's God's love gift to us. If we will just stop and look at it and stand in it and let it be. Oh, I so want this to be my music a reflection of God's love gift to us.
I'm sitting back in the car and I have to add this last bit. After watching the sparkles for I don't know how long, I turned back around to walk towards my car and the wind was blowing in my face so hard. I couldn't help but think that this is what it's like to live with Alan. He is a gale force in my life. Especially when it comes to the way I spend my time and the food I eat. He wants me to eat unhealthy food with him. That's like me stepping into this gale force wind. And I haven't wanted to resist that or stand up to it. So, I've just gone along with it and it's been lovely. Except that I've ate a ton of bad food that's hurt my body and made me gain weight. (So much pizza and ice cream!) And it’s same with the way I spend my time. Especially when it comes to watching TV. I don't want to stand up to his gale force wind pressure. Or at least that's how it feels to me, lol. But I need to. I need to walk in the face of that pressure, that wind blowing in my face. I will never reach my destination if I don't. Oh, that is good! I am walking against the wind to reach a destination. When I submit to that gale force and turn around so it's not blowing in my face. I am actually walking away from my destination.
Okay, this is later in the day and I just need to add this because I think it's significant. I was thinking about this morning and standing there and watching the sparkles and sensing and feeling the Lord sharing in my heart and soul and spirit this beautiful, amazing, wonderful gift. And I was musing about the nature of stillness that the Lord has called me to and, honestly, called all of us to. It's not just my special little instruction from the Lord. In that stillness is where I am finding so much connection, love, and wisdom from the Lord. But then, I realized it's more than just stillness. When I stopped to watch those water diamonds, I had to wait. I had to come to a full stop. I had to stop and wait. It's not only about being quiet. It is also about slowing down to a full stop. And then waiting. We must be willing to do that. I have to be willing to do that. Stop and wait.