Late in the afternoon, my husband and I drove into the garage after a day of celebrating my birthday. But I was filled with unhappiness, disappointment and anger. And it was all my husband’s fault! He had done so many things wrong and let me down on my special day.
I secretly simmered over this for several days until I realized I needed to journal this so I could move past it. I wrote down each thing I was unhappy about and why. That list stirred up my frustration and didn’t help at all.
But then I thought, “Wait! Try The Three Questions on this!”
Which I did. I found tremendous relief and was able to completely let go of all those “wrongs” and come to peace with my husband. Who is actually a really great guy.
I have used The Three Questions in my marriage many times. But in other relationships as well, family members, friends, neighbors, and one time I even used it with my church! And it has worked beautifully every time. It really has.
The Three Questions are questions for you to ask yourself and do not require a single thing from the other party. Not a thing. That might sound impossible -- especially when it’s the other party that’s causing the problem.
They are simple questions and easy to answer. Questions one and two are so easy, they are almost self-evident.
Answering the questions empowers you in a way the seems almost magical.
Does all that all sound too good to be true? Then let’s get started!
What are the worst problems in any relationship? It’s usually not the big, awful disasters. With a little love, humility, and forgiveness, most of those can be resolved. The hardest situations are the repeat offensives. Here’s a few examples:
- They leave the dirty dishes on the table, dirty laundry on the floor, toilet seat up, car unlocked, tools out, lights on, tv on, a mess AGAIN!
- They wait forever to text, call or email back
- They undervalue you and your contributions
- They make the same stupid and completely avoidable mistake over and over
The list is endless. And with each repetition, it feels a little worse and a little more unbearable. Pretty soon, you start to believe they are doing it on purpose. They know it bothers you, if they don’t stop, then they MUST be doing it just to get at you.
And why won’t they stop? If they’d loved, cared, understood, and valued you – they would! So, they must not love, care, understand or value you.
And this is where serious harm is done to the relationship, when one party begins to believe they are not loved and valued by the other party. This is where many divorces, separations, broken friendships and leaving of jobs, churches, and communities begins.
Wouldn’t it be so wonderful to avoid all that?
That’s exactly what the Three Questions will give you. Exactly.
Ready for Question One?
If you’re not already thinking about a current situation in your life, please do so. This will be so much more fun if you do.
Also, and this is important, do not judge yourself. You are merely making an observation of how you are feeling. No judgment or criticism.
Question ONE: Is the reason I’m mad, sad, upset, angry, frustrated, etc… because I’m not getting what I want? Or need. Some of us have had the belief pounded into us that only needs are legitimate, wants are not. (Which is completely ridiculous. Our personal desires are the most powerful and clear manifestation of who we are.) So, if you need to put “need” in there to answer this more honestly, go right ahead.
Sometimes, the repeat offence is in regard to what is best for the other person. It’s not about our want or need for ourselves at all. Though, that may be true, your struggle is still over what you want for that person.
And the answer to Question ONE is……
Yes. It is always yes. Please don’t feel guilty or bad or think you have to change what you want. Remember, no judgement. Just observation. And this “Yes” is an important prerequisite to the next question.
Question TWO:
When you think about all the things the other party in your situation does, surely there are other areas where you are not getting what you want—including things that you may even think are completely wrong. And yet, it’s this thing that gets your goat. Why is that? Is there a feeling inside of you that they should NOT be doing it? Do you feel you that you have a right to this feeling? In fact, it’s right for you to feel this way? (Remember, no judgment.) In other words, do you have an expectation about this?
Okay, here’s Question TWO: Is the reason I’m upset over not getting what I want because I have an expectation that I should be getting it?
And the answer to Question TWO is….
Yes. Again, is it always yes. Earlier, I said that answering the first two questions is almost self-evident? Here is Question One and Two in a nutshell; if I am feeling anger and frustration over another’s repeat behavior, it because I have expectation that this other person needs to do what I want, what I believe is right.
See how easy the first two questions were? And you only have one question left! Are you wondering how in the world just one question is going to fix this terrible problem that is completely destroying the love and goodness between you and the other party? Well…to be honest, it is a pretty cool question. Some might even say amazing, miraculous and relationship-transforming.
Question THREE:
Before I share the third question, an important foundation needs to be laid and explored a bit.
When we see another person, what do we see? Just a person, right? We might see a few other things like gender, age group, maybe something about their physical appearance.
But mostly, we see a person. A single entity. But really, what is a person?
A person is a vast, complex amalgamation of literally dozens of forces. Every single aspect of that person in front of you is a reflection of these forces including, but not limited to:
- the clothes they wear
- how they style their hair,
- how they walk and talk
- the food they eat,
- the hobbies they have
- whether they love cats, dogs or ferrets
- and thousands of other elements of their entire person.
What are these forces that create all these parts of a person?
1. Family: our family shapes so much of who we are. And not just our present family but the family of many generations. How we view the world, men, women, love, connection, God, education and many other aspects of life come from our family.
2. DNA: each person’s DNA determines so many parts of who they become, introvert, extrovert, linear, non-linear, gentle, forceful, creative, analytical and countless others.
3. Our racial identification: this is one the most powerful forces in shaping who we are.
4.. Our culture: Cultural influence cannot be overstated! It is huge. And layered. Take me for instance.
- I am an America, influenced and shaped by the powerful American beliefs and values
- I am from Colorado, is very different culturally from California, Pennsylvania, Florida or Indiana.
- I live in the large Denver metro area which is quite different culturally than rural Colorado.
- I am a woman. The woman’s culture is very different than the man’s.
- I am a Christian, there is a huge culture influence within the Christian world and even within the Women’s Christian world.
- I am a part of a lovely organization called Toastmasters, a public speaking and leadership group. This group has its own culture that has definitely shaped me.
- Other cultural influences include political position, wealth, social standing
5. Education: a person’s level, location and quality of education will have greatly shaped them.
6. Success and failures are powerful forces that molds all of our lives.
7. Strengths and Weaknesses also greatly influence us
8. Most people have hidden pain that they themselves are not aware of but it is still affecting and controlling them.
All these things, and many more, make up what a person is. But they are not contained in nice and tidy boxes. Think about the story of “Sleeping Beauty” where a spell sent the entire castle in sleep of a hundred years. Huge brambles, bushes, trees and vines grew wild around the castle creating a mass of impenetrable vegetation. That’s more what all these forces are like within each one of us. They are interwoven, entangled and have grown and developed for decades that way. It’s that mass – that vast, complex amalgamation that produces every aspect of our being.
When that other party is doing that thing that drives you nuts, they are simply displaying what is within them – which has been created by all those forces and influences over decades of time. And often, they not even aware of what they are doing.
We think people are making all these choices. No, most of the time, each one of us are simply manifesting our unique and complex identity.
Now, I think we are ready for our third question. Here’s a quick review of the first two questions.
Question ONE: Is the reason I’m mad, sad, upset, angry, frustrated, etc… because I’m not getting what I want?
Question TWO: Is the reason I’m upset over not getting what I want because I have an expectation that I should be getting it?
Question THREE: Is this expectation based on who the other party really is? Or is my expectation based on a fantasy version of them, that I have created, where they do what I want?
Let’s unpack this a bit.
First, how do you know who the other party really is? Well, they’re showing you all the time. Because every aspect of who they are is being produced by those internal forces. If you really want to know who they are, just stand back and observe. Watch them. Listen to them. Without judgment. Here are two questions that will help you understand them better.
- What are their patterns? Our patterns are the loudest way we proclaim who we are. Are they always late, too loud, meticulous, smiling, going to movies, bars, church, out to eat, talking about politics, celebrities, the homeless, racial issues, or sports? That is who they are. It comes out of that vast mass of forces within them.
- What are their values and beliefs? Most of the time, our values and belief are the source of our motivation. When I examined each of the items on my “Unhappy Birthday list” and I asked myself this question, “Knowing my husband as I do, does this behavior reflect his values and beliefs?” Every time, it was a resounding yes.
Look at that thing you’re unhappy about and ask, do they have a pattern of doing this? And is this in line with their values and beliefs?
Now, let’s look at the “fantasy version.”
Here’s a little story. My youngest child is a creative genius. She can write the most amazing novels. For a long time, I didn’t think she had a linear cell in her body. Or practical one. Her bedroom was always a mess, a spectacular mess.
When she was 23 years old, she was ready to move out. I knew that organizing, purging, packing and cleaning her room would be a huge task for her. Based on her past pattern, I was afraid she was going to leave me with a lot of the mess. I tried very hard not to be too pushy but as the moveout day approached, all my fears were coming true. She wasn’t doing anything to get ready. I started to get a little pushy. Of course, she resisted. And my fears grew.
Then one day, driving home from somewhere with my husband and feeling very tense about the situation, I used the Three Questions.
- Am I upset because I’m not getting what I want? Yes! I want her to clean up that room!
- Do I have an expectation that I should be getting what I want? Yes! It my house!
- Is that expectation based on who she is or a fantasy version where she does what I want?
Wow! Yes! I saw it right away. I was expecting her to act in a way that was completely contrary to how I’d ever seen her act. The closer to move out we got, the greater I built that fantasy version. Furthermore, I believed in my fantasy version of my daughter. If I just pushed her the right way with the right words, she would do that thing I wanted. (Sound familiar?)
When we ask that other party to do something that is within their ability and belief and pattern, they will almost always do it.
But when we ask them to do something outside of those forces, they will not. Even if it seems simple, easy, right and decent. They might try a few times. But then they will go back to who they really are.
When they don’t do what we want, that’s when we create the fantasy version of them. And that’s where all the trouble comes from. When we believe this person can easily do what we want, we expect them to do it. And then, we’re unhappy when they don’t. Every time they do the “wrong thing”, we get more and more unhappy with them.
Imagine that you’re wearing one of those cool VR headsets. In it, you can see that you’re in a beautiful park and across the way, your friends are having a picnic. They call your name and wave you over. You start toward them. But you bang you shin against the coffee table, because, in reality, you’re in your living room not the park. You rub your leg but keep going. A second later, you bash against a wall. Grunting, you keep right on, this time crashing through a window. This is what happens when fantasy encounters reality. Reality is going to kick fantasy’s butt every time. And that is exactly what happens when we expect that fantasy version to do what we want. The real version shows up and makes a mess of our fantasy. We think the other party is making that mess, but in reality – we are!
Now, how to fix this.
Stop.
Stop doing that. Release that expectation. Turn away from the fantasy. Understand that they are not going to eventually to do what you want. They are not going to “get it” and say, “Oh, okay, I see! I’ll do that. So easy! Here I go!” If they could have done what you wanted, they would have done it already.
Next, accept that is who the other party is.
One item on my “Unhappy Birthday list” was that I wanted Hubby to deeply value this birthday and make it extra special for me. In answering the three questions, I realized that my husband has never cared about birthdays at all. If I never acknowledged another birthday of his ever again, he would hardly notice. THIS is who he is. When I accepted that, about 50% of the pain instantly disappeared. It was a relief to accept it. And it took all the sting out of his actions. He wasn’t doing something thoughtless or ego-driven. He was simply being himself.
When I stopped trying to make my daughter do all this moving prep and accepted her for exactly who she had already shown herself to be, all my stress evaporated. Instantly. I think I laughed out loud with relief. Why? Because I had quit the fight of forcing my fantasy on her. And re-engaged with reality
Instantly, I felt alive and energized.
Now, I could actually do something!
And this is the last and maybe the most important point. When we accept the other party as they as and live in the reality of that, we understand that getting what we want is OUR responsibility and actually within our power to achieve.
With my daughter, I began to think about what power I did have in this situation. I considered a healthy boundary or two. I bounced this around with my husband and found the perfect plan in just moments. Before we even got home. And we were pretty close.
I politely told her that she had to have her room completely, but not perfectly, cleaned up before she moved or we would not help her move. Boom! One sentence! It left her free to make her own decision. And it clearly expressed my position. I was pretty sure it would work because she had a lot of stuff to move and my husband had a big pickup truck.
I have no doubt that if I had kept trying force her to conform to my fantasy, she would have left her room a disastrous mess that I would have resented ever second it took to clean.
I went back to my “Unhappy birthday list.” I looked at each item and asked this question, “If I had accepted my husband for who he had already shown himself to be and took responsibility to make sure I had the birthday I wanted, how would I have handled each of these items on this list?” Wow! WOW!!! The answers blew me away. I would have done things VERY differently that day. And I would have had the birthday I wanted.
This is how you get what you really want in life. Not by giving away all your power to a hopeless, dead-end fantasy that you beg and beg to produce something they never will – because they literally can’t. But by accepting the other party, believing good about them and taking your desires and needs into your own hands. Where they belong.
I can hardly remember that unhappy birthday. My daughter responsibly cleaned her room and we went on in love and joy together.
I encourage you to use The Three Questions with every situation where a repeat offence is causing you pain and frustration. Goodness and love can flourish when we walk in acceptance and personal responsibility.