The greatest story of my life.
I was trapped and alone in the dark, with deadly dangers all around me. Fear ballooned into panic - panic that I couldn't do a thing about. I prayed. I cried. I called out to the Lord to rescue me. But it didn't do one bit of good.
Alone. Afraid. Trapped. Abandoned. How did I ever get here?!
My husband, Jack (not his real name), and I lived in San Diego California with our two little boys, aged two and three. I believe the year was 1988. But when you're chasing toddlers around, time can seem irrelevant.
To say our life was hard at that time would be a massive understatement. Our life was excruciating, torturous, and shattered. After two years of working for a campus ministry, all of Jack's job prospects turned to dust in our hands. Our finances were hopelessly inadequate. Our hearts felt betrayed and abandoned by God. We were constantly scrambling to escape the walls that were collapsing on us. Also, we were stressed out with our hyperactive children, both diagnosed years later with a condition that was still unidentified. Many people, friends, and family shamed me horribly for my unruly boys.
I had been in a recent car accident - which I caused - that totaled our car. The driver, a woman who was seven months pregnant, had to be life-flighted to the hospital. (She and the baby survived just fine.)
But it was stress, more pain, more disaster. It felt like it would never end.
A friend from our church loaned us an old car that he and his wife no longer used. It was a huge gift because we had absolutely no money to get a new car. We had just bought the car I crashed, an older Volvo, only a few weeks prior to the accident. However, we only had money to pay for collision insurance. The car was a total loss. The loaner was a 67' Dodge Dart. Nowadays, that is a very cool collector's car. But in 1988, it was just a really old car. It ran well though and only had a few minor issues we could easily manage.
Somehow, Jack and I had scraped enough money together for a date night: a movie and a dinner afterward. It was probably birthday money. Thanks, Mom and Dad.
We drove from our apartment in the North Park neighborhood to a theater in Ocean Beach. Maybe it was the Strand Theater? I don't remember, and I don't remember the movie either. I just remember that we enjoyed our tiny break from the grueling anxiety that was our life.
Afterward, we drove east on Interstate 8 toward the Mission Valley area. We were headed for our favorite restaurant, Hungry Hunter. It has a new name now and is quite a bit pricier but still in the same location.
We had left the beach area as the sun was setting. The road began a gentle rise as we passed through the complex I5/I8 freeway interchange in heavy traffic. Suddenly, I felt our car begin to slow.
"Why are we slowing down?" I asked, a little alarmed.
"We're out of gas," said Jack
"What?" I cried, now scared.
"Yep."
This wonderful gift of a car had a little problem: a non-functioning gas gauge. We knew that and kept track of the milage. Jack was, and still is, a meticulous person with great organizational skills. I don't know how it happened that we got that low. Did I mention that an entire mountain range of pressure was crushing us?
We were in the middle lane of the freeway with a merge lane on our right. Cars sped past us on both sides. We slowed down so quickly, there was no way to get to the almost non-existent shoulders.
But, right in front of us appeared, (almost by magic) a small triangle of dead space. Jack pulled in there and stopped.
The whole incident had consumed maybe five seconds.
After a couple of seconds in which we sat in shock, Jack spoke.
"I'll have to go get gas," he paused. "And you need to stay here."
"What? No. I need to go with you. You can't leave me here."
"Look around," he said. "There's nothing but hills and trees here. I don't even know where I'll find a gas station."
This all happened before cell phones, Google maps, and even 911. Not really about 911. It was around. I looked it up to make sure.
"But–" I said. I was not going to stay in the car! That was insane.
"And I'm going to have to run across a lane of the freeway. You have heels on."
Run across a lane of the freeway?
"Okay, I'll stay here."
I still have a clear memory of Jack standing outside our car, looking back at the on-coming traffic and then racing like a mad man across the road. A moment later, he disappeared over a low metal railing.
And I was alone.
Fear flooded through me. I was alone! And vulnerable. On both sides, cars constantly zoomed past me, shaking our car their drafts. Each time, I gasped and tensed, bracing for the crash that could come at literally any second.
The sunset, shining through the rear window, illuminated the interior of the car. I know everyone passing by could easily see me. I am so exposed. Terrifying scenarios flew through my mind.
- Someone will hit our car and knock it into oncoming traffic where it will be hit again and again.
- Someone will see me and come back around, pull in behind me, and offer to pretend help. Then, they'll grab me, throw me in their vehicle and take me to a dark place where I will get beaten or raped or killed. Or I will be beaten and raped and killed.
Maybe I better hide. Just lay down in the seat where nobody can see me.
But as soon as I laid down, a new scenario filled my mind.
- What if someone thinks the car is empty, they come back and steal the wheels or just jack the whole car with me in it?
Fear exploded into panic, and I sat up instantly. It was much worse laying down.
No, I needed to see what was going on. But I was just as filled with panic.
Soon, the sun sank below the horizon and the sky began to darken. The cars rushing by became dark mistles destruction. In the dark, it would be harder for other drivers to see our car. Maybe they wouldn't see it in time. My panic increased with the dark.
From the first moment we pulled into that little triangle of space, I had been fervently praying. "Help, help, help! HELP! HEEELLLLPPP!!!! Please help! Please help me now." And so on.
But it did no good at all. I was still alone, afraid, vulnerable, and trapped in the greatest panic of my entire life. (I have four brothers, so that's saying something!)
As the sky darkened into night, my fear darkened too. I felt like I couldn't bear it one more second as my mind raced from one horrifying possibility to the next. Prayer wasn't helping. And who knew when Jack would return?
Then a single, tiny thought somehow entered my panic-crazed mind. "Maybe I should try singing worship songs to the Lord." (Hmmm…I wondered where that thought came from?)
I had done a great deal of singing by that time in my life. I had been in various groups and choirs, I had led groups and even written music. I knew a LOT of songs. But my fear was so great, I literally could remember one song. I began to sing it.
"God is so good
God is so good.
God is so good to me."
With a trembling voice, I sang this over and over. Then I remembered another verse of it.
"I praise His name,
I praise His name,
I praise his holy name."
I sang that over and over. Then I remembered a second song.
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!
There's just something about that name…"
Song after song came to me. I sang them to the Lord with all my heart.
Gradually, I began to feel my fear lessen. The panic died down. My heartbeat returned to almost normal. Relief flooded through me. I relaxed.
At that instant, the fear, horror, and panic – dark and powerful – slammed into me, worse than before.
I started praying, thinking maybe prayer will help me this time. But it did not - not even a little.
I realized I needed to start singing to the Lord again and NOT STOP.
So, that's exactly what I did. Before long, I felt the fear leave and the tension dissolve, but I didn't stop singing. Soon, my heart lifted up to the Lord and I was completely free of fear.
And that's when it happened!
I don't know how it started, but it felt like the roof of the car had been peeled back and the light and glory of heaven was flowing, pouring, and flooding into the car.
The car filled up with this rich, brilliant golden light that streamed around me like a waterfall.
I was in the midst of it. Drenched in it. It was flowing over me, around me, through me.
But it was not just the light and glory of heaven.
I was experiencing the great love of God – for me! How much He loves me!
It was glorious, beautiful, powerful, life-changing beyond words to describe.
I don't know how long this lasted because there was no time or place within this experience. I was completely safe and KNEW that no harm would come to me.
After a while, this glorious experience ended. But I have no memory of that. Did it fade away gently or stop quickly? I don’t know. I just know that I found myself alone in our darkened car in the middle of the freeway. But the love and glory of God still surrounded me and I was completely at peace.
Eventually, Jack returned with gas. I think he was gone for three hours, maybe longer. He gassed up the car and we drove to the restaurant. I remember waiting to be seated; a normal moment in a normal place. But nothing was normal! I had been bathed in the pure love and glory of God!
For days and even weeks, the love and glory of God were very near to me. I felt it radiating throughout my being.
But slowly, it faded away and I returned to normal life. Which was still kicking our butts like a donkey on steroids. (Just picture it.)
But it has never been far from me. Whenever I close my eyes and recall that experience – I see it, I feel it. I am there again. Just like I am right now, as I'm writing this.
Many times now, the great God of creation has come to me and showered me with his life-changing love. These have been the apex moments of my life. Nothing compares or even comes close. I have felt the height and depth of love, joy, peace, and complete belonging.
These moments, awash in the powerful love of God, have healed me of many wounds, bitterness, and brokenness. He has rebuilt, restored, and released me to be who He originally designed me to be.
And now - I want to take you into the beautiful presence of God, where you will find all that your heart truly hungers for. He is the great healer. He is the answer.