1. This is Zinna. She is sweet, funny, goofy, quirky, beautiful, silky and panther-like. She has cute little ears, black whiskers and a tail she flicks around like a whip. When she’s happy, she purrs non-stop and drools unashamedly. She loves to chat in kitty-talk and can keep up her end of a conversation. She is very loveable!
But Zinna has a dark side. She was found, abandoned by her feral mother and never finished receiving all her kitten training. The first few years of her life, she was forced to be an outdoors cat even though she didn’t have the skills to manage her territory. She was often bullied by the other outdoor cats. These factors resulted in trauma-induced anxiety on a massive level. Even as a young cat, Zinna was quick to lash out at others for no reason. I have never been afraid of a cat in my life, but I was afraid of Zinna and her extra-long slashers.
Zinna is a perfect picture of the beloved broken person you may encounter. No matter how negative, chaotic or unfit this person may seem to you, I assure you, they are beautiful, talented, interesting, and a person worth knowing. But because of factors they had no control over, great harm was done to them that changed the way they see themselves, others, and all of life.
When you encounter this person, remember their wonderful qualities. Look for their goodness and beauty. Notice and affirm their strengths. Openly admire them. Encourage them in the good things they are doing. They desperately need this. And even this they can’t openly receive it or even begin to believe it, they still need to experience that someone sees the good in them and cares enough to express it to them.
2. After a period of absence, Zinna came back into my life recently. To be honest, I didn’t want her. She is a high-maintenance cat. I have two loving and easy cats that fill my life with all the kitty-love I want and need. I resisted Zinna’s presence in my home.
But the Lord asked me to start thanking Him for her. So, I did. I thanked him for everything I could think of: her golden eyes, her soft fur, her funny meows, her triggers, her fears. Eventually, I began thanking God that she was in my life. Then, I began asking the Lord to do His work in my life through her. I stopped resisting her. I began to love her. I prayed over her and asked the Lord to pour his love into her through my hands. I asked him to heal her fear and whatever imbalance drives that fear. Now, I am committed to Zinna. And willing to give her what she needs and wants.
When the Lord brings a beloved broken one into your life, understand that you need to make a commitment to them as a friend. Without that commitment, you won’t be able to build a bond of trust with them. And without trust, they will never be able to receive your love. More than anything, the beloved broken one needs love.
3. Poor Zinna. She is a very aggressive cat. She has these terrible long and sharp claws. When she gets triggered, she will lash out. When Zinna came to live with me recently, she needed to be taking an anti-anxiety medication. While her system was adjusting to the medication, she often struck me and drew blood. In fact, this happened every day for about a month. It was discouraging. I was loving her in every way I could. Then, boom! She would attack me and I would be bleeding. Sometime, I would end up crying in sorrow over these attacks.
The beloved broken one is often quick to attack. But please understand, this is because of the great trauma they experienced at the hands of others. This trauma included abuse, neglect, molestation, rape, beatings, emotional warping, and many others things that changed their ability to think, feel and develop normally. For many of the broken, life is a dangerous place filled with deadly threats. They live in constant flight or fright. Constant.
4. As I lived with Zinna as her primary care-giver, I have had to learn to watch for her triggers. She has many: fingers, noises, smells, too much attention, not enough attention, hunger, touching her tail, picking her up and seeing other cats.
The beloved broken one in your life also is easily triggered. Like Zinna, they can be triggered by anything, everything and even nothing. And most of the time, they are not even aware they have been triggered. Or even know that they have triggers. To them, it feels as if they have been attacked and often attacked unfairly
This is important to understand. The beloved broken one is often struggling with simply staying afloat in life. They do not understand how they themselves are affected by their triggers.
5. Now, I do everything I can to avoid all of Zinna’s triggers. I make sure she gets fed before she’s hungry, I carefully avoid touching her tail, I keep her environment quiet, I don’t talk on the phone or conduct video chats in her presence. And I never present my fingers to her to sniff, like you can do with almost every other cat on the planet. I do all this to keep Zinna calm and safe. I do not want Zinna to see me as a threat in any way.
This same thing applies to the beloved broken one in your life. Avoid their triggers if at all possible. This will take some sacrifice on your part but it is worth it. When they are triggered, the broken one can react in a way that really hurts you. And then they will blame you for the way you hurt them first! In this emotional place, the broken one can easily get out of control and end up saying and even doing things they would never normally do.
6. Because I am careful to respect Zinna’s triggers, she is feeling safer with me. This means we have many moments where she is sweet and loving. I love these times. She looks right into my eyes and purrs loudly. She’ll push her head against my hand to scratch her chin, neck, ears. Sometimes, she’ll even sit on the couch next to me.
These loving encounters will happen with your beloved broken one as well. It is a beautiful moment when they do.
Accept their love fully, but please understand that this love and harmony will not stop them from being triggered again – at any time. For the beloved broken one, a trigger is an event that instantly transports them back to a dreadful, traumatic episode from their distant past. It happens in a split second and is beyond their control. All of a sudden, they are immersed in the horror of hatred, abuse, ridicule, rejection and even violence.
7. It seems like all cats love to get in your space, sit on the magazine or you’re trying to read; wave their fluffy tail in front of your computer screen and, of course, pat you on the face while you’re trying to sleep. But Zinna takes this a step further. When she needs my attention, she will stomp up and down the piano keys while I am playing while meowing instantly. When I stop playing and give her my full attention, she becomes quiet and calm.
This is a very picture of the beloved broken person. Their need for relationship attention, care, love, and support is overwhelming at times and they will beg for it – by interrupting your schedule. Sometimes, they may have some awareness what they are asking of you. But most of the time, they will not. Forgive them, humor them, understand them. And give them what they want.
If you can.
Sometimes you can’t. Other times you can only give a little. Or give it later. This is okay. In fact, it’s more than okay. If you are committed to the beloved broken person in your life, it is essential that you set and maintain clear boundaries. Again – set and maintain clear boundaries. At first, they will be unhappy about the boundaries, but they will quickly adjust to them as you stand firm. This will give you the space to continue functioning in your life. It will prevent you from becoming overwhelmed, frustrated and eventually push the beloved broken one away.
8. I know that Zinna would like to live a happy, normal life. She would like to settle into my home and be at rest here. But, sadly, that will never happen. When Zinna even sees either of my two sweet, loving cats, she becomes a fierce grenade of fear. She is so sure they are going to kill her, that she runs to kill them first. There is terrible howling, growling, hissing and spitting. It is the cat version of World War III. Because my cats are being threatened by Zinna, they go on the attack. Now, they both want to fight her. I have to keep them completely separated at all times. There is nothing I can do to ever convince Zinna that she is safe with them. And because she has been so aggressive with them, I don’t think she ever will be safe with them.
In our culture, we press people into a level of normal behavior and getting along with others. The beloved broken person in our life can be someone who appears to function at an acceptable level. But please understand this. No matter how they may present themselves, underneath their appearance, strengths and skills there is a thick, deep layer of pain and fear and trauma. The broken one sees themselves and all the world through this layer.
So, in light of all of this, are you asking WHY love, engage and befriend the broken? Why take all this risk, make all this sacrifice when their pain and trauma is beyond your ability to help fix it? Here’s why. When you love, respect and connect with them, you are building a bridge of trust that will open the way for you come into their world. The broken learned long ago not to trust anything or anyone. But within this bond of trust, you can show them Christ, the Good Shepherd, who left the 99 to rescue the one. You can point them toward the miraculous love of God that CAN heal them. God alone can truly heal the deep trauma and transform the way that see themselves and the rest of the world.
Through loving and serving the beloved broken person in your life, you can introduce them to the Savior of their soul.